"Are You Happy Mommy?" — heart of this home

“Are you happy mommy?” he said as he looked for boogers in my nose while I was roaring laughing. “Yes V, I’m very happy” I said to my sweet 2 year old as he kept looking to get more laughter out of me.

The look on his face when he saw me laughing was jolting. In that one second glance I realized he doesn’t see me joyful often. More truthfully, he doesn’t see me joyful much at all lately, which is unsettling as my children make me happier than anything on earth.

Being a (mostly) stay-at-home mom is a big hit financially for our family. It’s a job that I take very seriously.

I make sure holidays and birthdays are magical, offer a variety of foods, keep everyone on schedule, make sure their lives are enriched but not overscheduled, make sure they use their manners. I try to foster a respectful brotherly bond, go to book club, bring them to the park, work out, upload to one second a day, enter in my 5 year daily journal. I make sure the family yearbook is done, help my kindergartener learn to read, push them to their highest potential, work, cuddle them, keep them alive, facilitate independence, be a semi-decent wife. I go to therapy, make sure they see their grandparents enough, try to keep the house clean, make sure everyone has a winter coat, think about holiday cards in the fall, keep up with the laundry, create bucket list items for each season and work hard to fill them etc, etc etc etc etc. The list goes on and on and on and I know it’s familiar to everyone. I’m great at checking the boxes of obligation. I (try) not to yell much. I schedule in “fun” time like movie nights and family dates. The problem is, parenting isn’t a job. It’s hard and it’s all-consuming, but it isn’t a job.

I am happy and content at the end of a long day; my husband and I talk about our kids all night and smile about how they are the best kids on the whole planet and resist the urge to wake them up and cuddle them. But during the day, I am a task master. The day runs as smooth as butter. The kids know what is expected of them. We check the boxes: check, check, and check. We do the activities. We do the reading. We do the healthy homemade meals. We do the baths. We do the early bedtime. Even game night is about taking turns and waiting and counting and matching and being a respectful winner and being okay with losing; there’s not much fun to be had. The joy is gone.

Don’t get me wrong; I smile throughout the day and we make jokes. They are not walking on eggshells like I did with my mother. But I don’t want my kids to remember me as a task master. I want them to inherently KNOW that they bring me joy — without me having to tell them. I don’t want them to put their heads down and work hard all day— I want them to enjoy life and find ways to be silly and joyful throughout the day.

So now what?

That part, I’m not sure. I am the type of person that beats myself up and constantly tells myself to “be better” but that never actually works. I am learning to make smaller, more concrete goals. For now, I am going start by letting my kids see me genuinely laugh and be silly with them at least once a day. This is where I need your help — in what ways do you like to be silly with your kids? I’d love some ideas!