Our Mealtime Rhythms — heart of this home

On Instagram, I share our family meals and I get some questions about our mealtime and routines surrounding food. I have shared this in Instagram stories before, but I thought it’d be nice to have it all together in one spot. I don’t want to call them our rules because the term “rule” seems established and enforced. These are just some mealtime rhythms I’ve noticed and over time have been intentional with my family. Most of them have been integrated into the fabric our daily lives since our children were infants so there’s no need to “enforce” anything. Of course, there are exceptions to the outline below. I am writing what we do MOST of the time. If we go to a party, my kids eat whatever food is available. Just today, they filled up on the appetizers out (cheese and crackers) and didn’t eat one vegetable at dinner (and they still got cake for dessert!). They have hot chocolate in December and fresh apple cider in the fall.

Full disclaimer: I am not a doctor or nutritionist or feeding therapist. I am sharing how I feed my family and in doing so I am NOT saying this is how you should feed your family or that you should compare how your family eats to how mine eats. I also feel like I need to point out my privilege by saying that I am a mostly stay at home mom and am able to reinforce these habits ALL.DAY.LONG. If I worked full time, I am sure mealtimes would look differently. Also, I have neurotypical children without any feeding aversions.

Before I begin, I want to share something from a course I went to. They showed a video of some gross bugs that people were eating. Humor me— imagine a small container of wiggly, slimy worms. Someone is making you eat them all before you can eat anything else. You are crying and starving and gagging. You eat them and they burst into your mouth and are just as awful as you imagined. You keep eating and eating because you are being forced to, crying the whole time, phlegm running down your throat.

I know that is an extreme example, but when we force our children to eat something they do not want to eat, we break the trust and also ruin our chance at our child liking that food. Will they eat it? Yes! EATING IT SHOULD NOT BE THE GOAL. Think about that for a moment. When you are trying to get you child to eat a vegetable, what is the goal? The long term goal is for your child to have a healthy relationship with food, and to enjoy “healthy” foods, right? The broccoli you serve to your children may be like the worms to you. If feeding your child is a battle and you force them to eat something they don’t want to eat, you both lose. Mealtimes should be about love, warmth, comfort, sustenance, and togetherness.

Our focus as parents should be on what we SERVE our children. Let your children focus on what they eat. We teach them that they are in control of their bodies and they shouldn’t do something that makes them feel uncomfortable. We need to apply that same respect and autonomy to food. Ellyn Statter is the expert in feeding children.

A little background information: I said earlier that this started in infancy and that’s true. Even before our kids could eat, they were sitting in their high chairs during mealtimes watching as we ate. The stars aligned and we did our first whole30 when our oldest (J) was about 6 months old and starting solid foods. We did baby led weaning and fed him (safely prepared) food off of our plates at mealtimes. At 6 months, his primary nutrition came from breastmilk. We didn’t do any snacks, following our 3 scheduled meals with whole30. All of our kids nursed until 23 months, so I think its important to note when I say they didn’t snack on food, they did get whole (breast) milk throughout the day for almost 2 years. I think it’s important to note here that I did not grow up eating vegetables, I don’t really love vegetables, and I have a terrible relationship with food. I am so passionate about this because it is such a struggle for me. While I work on myself, I am trying to do better for my kids. I think it’s actually been very helpful that I don’t like vegetables — by doing a whole30, you learn how to cook them in different ways to be more palatable. I would be so sad eating chicken breast, roasted sweet potatoes, and steamed broccoli every day.

We don’t eat whole30 anymore but it really helped shaped our daily mealtime rhythms.

1. We only drink water (mom and dad drink coffee and wine, of course). The kids have access to water all day long and can drink it when they want. Milk is SOOO filling and has a TON of nutrients, so if your child drinks a lot of milk they may not be hungry at mealtimes. Some nutritionists recommend limiting milk if your child drinks it, check with a doctor or nutritionist for guidelines. We generally don’t eat dairy (see note above about breastmilk) so I am very mindful about making sure my kids get offered a lot of “fat” at meals (more on that later). I do offer some dairy products regularly so that I don’t induce a diary allergy (maybe 1 serving of dairy every day or every other day is what we do— in the form of grass-fed butter in our eggs or on a paleo treat, some unsweetened whole milk yogurt or cheese, or just going out to eat). Of course, this is what we do MOST of the time. We have homemade hot chocolate a couple times in the winter, some warm apple cider in the fall, and homemade lemonade in the summer.

2. We don’t snack! I know this is huge for kids and again I’m just sharing what we do; your child may need to snack! We have 3 meals a day and once in awhile I offer a veggie only snack after nap / before dinner (no pressure to eat it). Now that my oldest is in kindergarten, I do pack him a snack per protocol and he eats it and still eats the rest of his meals, but I usually just pack a piece of whole fruit or some raw veggies. He is always allowed to finish his lunch when he gets home if he didn’t have time to finish. But in general, this no snacking thing is huge for us. Since we’ve always done it, my kids aren’t asking me for snacks all day. They very rarely tell me they are hungry in between meals. I think this is because our bodies get used to whatever we do regularly. I think that since they don’t snack they eat enough at meals and aren’t really hungry until the next meal. If they do say they are hungry in between a meal, I know they mean it because they really don’t say that much (honestly they might say that a couple times a year!). If they do, I try to assess the situation as it comes up. If it’s close to a mealtime, I will say “Ok, thank you for telling me. I’ll try to hurry up cooking. Would you like a carrot while you wait?” (and I do try to speed it up or move it earlier). If I can’t move up the next meal, I will offer a snack of veggie and fruit to tide them over. This no snacking thing REALLY comes in handy when you need it to — its so novel that if we get stuck somewhere awful they get so excited for snacks. For example I had to drag all 3 kids to urgent care and I packed some snacks they were in freaking heaven. When I started brining them all by myself to get their haircuts, I’d pack some fresh peppers. cucumbers, and apples to munch on while they waited. Everyone was amazed that they ate them — they weren’t used to snacks and were so excited to eat somewhere other than the kitchen table!

3. At each meal I OFFER a protein, fat (extra important for my nondairy peeps), carb, and veggie. Sometimes the carb is rice, potato, candy, butternut squash, baked good, etc. They decide what to eat. This naturally gives them a variety of things to choose from. I don’t encourage them to eat anything or praise them for eating anything (family members etc. do this and I don’t say anything, basically because I don’t have a backbone and that would be awkward haha). A brussels sprout is the same as a Reese in our house. “Oh my gosh did you try the Reese!? I just love the chocolate and peanut butter flavor together. What do you think?” “Oh my gosh, did you try the roasted brussels sprout? I just love the crispy bacon and roasted brussels sprout together! What do you think?” It sounds like a lot of work, but it’s so much less stressful as a parent when you only have to worry about what you OFFER at each meal! Pick one thing from each category and done. They don’t have to all “go” together. Lots of times I realize I forgot to offer a fat at a meal and give my kids a scoop of peanut butter after dinner.

4. One family one meal — again there are some exceptions to this (like date nights), but I generally try to stick to this. it helps me to eat healthier and it helps me to make deliciously prepared meals and vegetables. Again, when you are not worried about what you child EATS, just what you SERVE, you are freed to serve a salad to your child with no strings attached. Think of it as a garnish. I served my kids salads for a LONG time and they never touched it. Guess what, salads are one of their favorites now! I also generally do not make “fun” food or kid-type food (except for school lunches, holidays, and birthdays). This is just my personal opinion but I think sometimes if we hype up something so much it can seem like we are tricking them into eating it, or that we really want them to eat it. “Look at this fun way we can eat broccoli!! WHOOA LOOK HOW COOL!!!!! LOOK AT THIS FUN WAY I CAN DRESS UP A SLIMY WORM!!! DOESNT THAT LOOK FUN AND DELICIOUS.” When we serve food matter-of-factly, it can seem like not a big deal. “Oh this broccoli is roasted alongside the potatoes and chicken. It’s no better/ no worse.” They feel a lot more comfortable trying something on their terms. They feel safe to take a tiny bite of broccoli without eyes on them and put it back if they want it. I do not make them something else if they don’t eat a meal. I always get questions about this. It’s been 5 years of me doing this and they have never said they were hungry. Since there is usually a variety on their plate, they choose what they want to eat. If they don’t eat anything and they truly aren’t hungry, making them a peanut butter sandwich after their meal is going to make them not listen to their bodies and push through to eat something more palatable. If I’m not that hungry but someone offers me a chocolate cake — I will eat it 10/10 times. Again, if you child is not gaining weight or falling off their growth curve, this will not work for you and you should seek guidance from a nutritionist. I am just sharing what works for us and weight isn’t an issue for our kiddos.

5. We eat our 3 meals at the table, with no toys or distractions and we all sit there until the last person is done. Since this is what we’ve always done, my kids don’t even know its an option to get up and go somewhere else. (They are not perfect, don’t worry. More on that later). It’s very important for me that they aren’t rushing through their meals. If they knew they could go play with the hot toy as soon as they finish, they will rush and go play with that toy. If they know they are stuck at the table forever anyway, they might as well eat. It’s really the only time that we all really connect during the weekday.

6. No one gets seconds until mom finishes her first plate. I’ve had to implement this recently, but its worked out really well. This was happening a lot: dinner is chicken, butternut squash, broccoli, and nuts. Kids finish their butternut squash and nuts before mom sits down and they ask for more. Mom spends entire meal getting up to get more butternut squash and boys don’t eat chicken or broccoli, mom doesn’t get any butternut squash.. Since implementing this new “rhythm,” it forces them to SLOW DOWN. They eat their butternut and nuts and ask for more. I say, “yes, I will get you more when I’m done eating. You may wait patiently or you may eat your broccoli and chicken if you’re hungry.” Miraculously, they have been eating the other foods while waiting. It’s been a lot more relaxing for me, as well.

7. I try not to limit them too much when going out to eat, but do try to not order off the kids menu. NOT because that food is “unhealthy” but because I want them to try new foods and appreciate foods from other cultures or a food that is prepared by someone different. Mac and cheese, chicken nuggets, burgers, etc. all taste the same at each restaurant. This is not to say that I don’t order them these things ever! (well they’ve only had chicken nuggets once). They’ve had fried mac and cheese balls as a food festival, wood-fired pizza at an Italian restaurant, juicy burgers at a bar, etc. I’m sure this will change as they get older, but for now it’s working for us. It’s also (usually) a lot cheaper to get one big adult meal split by 3 kids than to get 3 kids meals (since they just drink water anyway). if we go to a restaurant and they have bread, they eat the bread! No limits. I do try to order some veggies when we go out to eat. Sometimes they surprise me and eat a ton, sometimes they don’t touch them. It’s fine either way! Just a reminder to them that veggies are always there. Do they always like everything we order when we go out to eat? No! That’s ok too! They usually find one thing between their plate or my husbands or mine, but they will eat at the next meal!

8. Don’t make food generalizations. I cringe anytime a parent says “oh my kid doesn’t eat broccoli.” What does that say to the kid? “I don’t eat broccoli!” We all have fluctuating tastes and preferences. Do you eat the same foods you did as a kid? What about 5 years ago? I used to LOVE sweet potatoes and ever since becoming pregnant with L&V, I’ve been more aversive to them. I still serve myself them and sometimes I eat them and sometimes I don’t but I don’t say that I don’t eat them, just maybe not right now. Sometimes I want to eat my broccoli and sometimes I don’t! Sometimes I’ll like it for dinner but not leftover for lunch. Sometimes I crave leftovers and can’t wait for lunch! Can you relate? Don’t put you kid in a box either. Just keep offering — no pressure. I try not to note out loud what they ate/ didn’t eat. If someone makes a generalized comment, I’ll try to correct. If they say “I don’t like broccoli” I’ll say “you didn’t feel like having broccoli today, that’s ok!”

I hope you don’t think our mealtimes are all sunshine and rainbows. We don’t battle over food, but there are plenty of things that I do enforce at the table, which, having 3 boys is a CONSTANT struggle.

We don’t focus on the foods eaten, but we do focus on manners. This is a constant constant effort and I feel like I fight the same battles every day at every meal.

Things that are constantly being reinforced:

Using kind manners (my kids DO say “EW GROSS I’M NOT EATING THAT.” My response is always “you do not have to eat anything you don’t want to eat. I do expect you to be kind. I spent a lot of time making this meal for you. Simply choose what you’d like to eat.”

Keeping their food on their own plate/ not stealing food from others. Again, this works for my kids— I know when they take food off their plates because they are being jerks. If your kid is a very picky eater or you are working on a trusting relationship, I recommend a “discard” plate or bowl for them to safely remove items that are intimidating to them.
At the end of the meal, they are expected to clean their area bring their plates to the sink. After dinner, they also clear their napkins and water cups (they use the same reusable napkin and cup all day).
Stay in your seat. This is very hard for the 2.5 year olds. We tried letting them sit on the bench but they were just too distracted getting down. I think that is a lot to ask of little ones. They seem to do much better when strapped into their booster seats, so that’s what they are doing now. They do great in there and don’t really ask to get down much. If they do, I just remind them that they can go play when everyone is done eating and the meal is over.

Things that are an immediate expulsion from the table: spitting, throwing food (this was not enforced with babies), potty talk, standing on the table. The 5 year old gets sent to his room for doing these things until he can sit at the table nicely and apologizes. the 2.5 year olds get strapped into their booster seats and pushed away from the table until they are ready.

I hope that was helpful. Let me know if you have any questions — I hope I answered them all!

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