2020 Reflection

I’m not one to spend much time reflecting at the end of the year or set goals and intentions for a new year. However, I have been spending a lot of time reflecting upon 2020 as it comes to a close. For some reason, I feel the need to write down these thoughts for this historic year, probably to help sort through the weeds and emotions. 2020 has a lot to unpack.

The year mostly started out like any other year. I finally felt like we were in a groove again after several years of being unsettled (we struggled with infertility, having twins and a toddler, moving to another state with no home, moving again into our home, still having twins and a toddler…). We finally got into a good a good routine; the twins were getting old enough (and potty trained enough!) where I could bring them on my own to places. I was in a good spot with the kids, work, friends, therapy, and going to the gym.

My mother in law was watching the kids one day in March while I was working and she mentioned something about the fact that I should buy some water to have “just in case” for this new virus in China. I brushed it off and thought she was crazy. Not long after, I had a panic attack at the grocery store as I was stocking up on food. My husband’s job quickly told him to work from home, and mine shut down completely. The boys’ schools got cancelled. I didn’t bother doing much with school, because we deserved a break and the shut down was “just a week or so.” My anxiety was at an all time high — I finally called my doctor and asked for medication. I have always been anxious but it became unbearable. Our state got hit hard and fast and getting groceries and food took up 90% of my mental capacity. I tried doing “school” some days, but we watched a lot of TV most days. We set up obstacle courses and went for walks looking for signs of spring. We planned a garden and a tree house and new outdoor furniture. My oldest learned to ride his bike with pedals and my youngest ones learned to ride their scooters.

The days were so long but somehow it became summer quickly. It turned into the best summer of our lives. The boys’ bond was always strong but grew an incredible amount. They were riding and scooting and playing in their treehouse. We were able to take slow mornings and afternoons. Garden. Walk. Play uninterrupted. Hike. Paint. Read. Eat outside. Discover new places we’ve never been to in our own backyard.

Then fall came just as quickly as summer had. I normally love fall but was so anxious about being stuck inside again. We made the tough decision to homeschool my now 1st grader (!!!) and preK 3 twins. My husband had still been working from home and I had been working very part time virtually. We were so lucky that my inlaws are able to stay at home too, so we’ve created a little pod with them and have some help with childcare so we can work.

We are now ending this year. There is a new president-elect with a female VP. There are 2 new vaccines. My immediate family has remained healthy and safe this year, and, dare I say happy?

When everything external is taken away from you, it’s easy to see what really matters and how most of what we need we have right here at home. If I’ve learned anything: FAMILY MATTERS and HOME MATTERS. This year has been a nice exercise in evaluating how we want to spend our time. What did we actually miss when everything was taken away? What parts worked well for us?

I was able to be the person and mother I’ve always wanted to be— the life I imagined before having kids. The one that has time to make fresh bread. Read books for pleasure. Cuddle with my kids in the middle of the day. Cook without rushing. Garden. Take long, slow, kid-directed walks. I think it’s hard to admit this year has been good to us when there are so many people that this year has been plain awful to.

I am not trying to discard the ugly parts of this year. The world was on fire. So, so, so many people got sick and died. People lost jobs and businesses. The education gap widened. Children went hungry. Families fell apart.

My anxiety was close to debilitating in the beginning. My wonderful, kind, funny aunt survived 2 strokes. We missed hugs, birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and everyday moments with some of the people we love the most, even though they are only 20 minutes away. Being a teacher and mom to your own kids is weird. My boys miss their friends. I miss my friends. I miss fancy dinners with my husband and movies with my bestie. I miss book club. I miss traveling with my kids.

Still, I feel lucky. So, so, so extremely lucky. Some days my kids drive me wild, but I truly enjoy this extra time with them. I did not feel this way in March, but I now know that it was such a beautiful GIFT. There is nothing like time when you look at a child’s life. I think adults think of this year as a pause from real life, but our kids show us that there is no pausing life. Life goes on. My oldest came home from kindergarten “for a few weeks” and will not return to his school until SECOND GRADE (fingers crossed!!).

I don’t dare try to set an intention or goal for 2021. I am going into the new year with an open heart and an open mind. I do hope we can hug our loved ones soon and never, ever take that for granted again.